“Why do guys just left silently during taaruf?”
Taaruf is a process where you’re trying to get to know each other for marriage. This is the context of the word ‘taaruf’ in this situation. So, why is that guys, some guys, not all guys, some guys just left silently during taaruf? Basically they go MIA. Missing In Action.
So, why? If you ask me why your guy did that, I can’t answer on behalf of that guy. I can’t because I’m not that guy. You can’t expect that just because I’m a guy, I know what a guy thinks.
The same way I shouldn’t expect that just because you’re a woman, you know what all women think. You might know what some women think, but you don’t know what all women think.
Same goes with men, with guys. I don’t know. You have to ask that guy, “Hey, why are you being silent? Are you still interested? Or do you want to move on? Do you want to consider someone else?”
You can ask. It’s okay to ask. But the point is, what you need is a clear answer from that guy. That’s what you need. You need a clear answer from that guy.
Be careful not to generalise specific experiences to all possible experiences in the future. Let me give a simple example. You have experienced maybe a few times that guys approach you, want to do taaruf with you, but then just left silently.
Maybe you’ve done that once, twice, maybe three times. Don’t take those three experiences and then say, “All guys are like that.” Because I can tell you, me, a few friends that I have, we’re not like that. So you can’t say, “All guys are like that.” You see what I mean?
Because once you make that conclusion, not only is it bad for you emotionally, it’s also bad for you, like if you want to pursue marriage in the near future. Emotionally, you’re in pain and that conclusion is not helping with your emotional pain.
That actually makes it worse.
Now, you see all guys and then you relive the pain of the past. Even though, that guy, you don’t know who that guy is, that guy has nothing to do with you but just because he’s a guy, you suddenly think, “You know, all guys are like this. This guy is the same.”
So, you’re just making it worse on yourself.
If you want to, not forcing you or anything like that, but if you want to build a meaningful relationship in the future, i.e. marriage, it’s gonna be difficult for you once you have that conclusion in your head.
So, be very careful not to take specific experiences and generalise it to all possible experiences in the future.
Now, having said all of that, I still want to give you some possible answers. The reason why I say ‘possible answers’ is again, I don’t know what the real reason is. You have to ask that guy. But these are possible reasons that I can think of.
Maybe that guy is being silent because he’s not ready yet.That’s like the easiest conclusion you can make that’s safe. He’s not ready yet. Why he’s not ready yet? Let’s not go that far. Because, once you start to guess people’s intentions it’s not gonna be healthy, for you.
Forget about people’s intentions because you’ll never gonna know. It’s between him and Allah. But you can safely conclude, “Okay, he’s not ready yet.” and just move on. Move on. Don’t dig that situation deeper knowing that you don’t know the real reason. You don’t have the concrete data. Because the guy is silent, right?
So, just make a safe conclusion that’s not hurtful for you or the guy, and just move on. Don’t think too much about it. Just move on. Don’t overthink it. He’s not ready yet. Move on! Find some other guy.
In Malaysia, there’s about fifteen million guys, like half the population. Fifteen million guys available. So, don’t let like ten guys ruin your perception of millions of other guys out there. This goes the same way if you’re a guy looking for a wife. Don’t simply take ten experiences you have with ten women and then generalise it to millions of other women out there.
It’s not fair. I mean, we’re unique individual human beings. You can’t just take specific experiences you have and then just slap it on every other human being out there. That’s not fair. Not fair for you, because you have to continue your life.
You have to meet them. Meet the guys and the girls that you’re gonna have to meet in the future. So, it’s not good for you. It’s also not good for other people because you’re not treating them fairly. So, that’s possible answer.
Maybe he’s not ready yet. Or maybe he’s afraid. He’s afraid. He doesn’t want to reject you straightforwardly. So, he just kept silent, hoping that you’d get the hint and move on. Now, this part I’d like to target more on the guy in the question.
If you wanna reject a person, just do so straightforwardly. I know it’s painful. All rejections are painful. There’s no such thing such as a painless rejection unless you don’t care about the thing that you want which is weird, no?
Why’d you want it in the first place if you don’t care? But because you want it, you care about it, you hope that you’ll get it, therefore, rejection is painful. Even if you do it in the most polite way possible, you can’t avoid hurting the other person’s feeling.
Rejection is just a part of life. You can’t avoid it. You can’t run away from it. You just have to deal with it.
But do so in the most respectful manner. Here, in this case, the guy, if you’re not interested in the lady, just say straightforwardly, clearly but respectfully, “I’m sorry, but we can’t go on anymore. The answer is no.”
Similarly if you’re a woman and you wanna reject a guy, just do so straightforwardly. “I’m sorry. We can’t go on anymore. The answer is no. I’m gonna consider someone else.”
It’s painful, I know. But it’s better than giving false hope. When you become silent without any clear answer, or you give an answer that’s not clear, like you say, “Maybe in the future” or you say, “If there’s jodoh.”
That’s not good because you’re opening a door for false hope and that person is holding on to that false hope. When inside, you know you wanna say “No”. But you don’t say “No”, you say “Maybe” or “If there’s jodoh.” Don’t do that because you’re making it worse for the other person.
Just say “no” if you don’t want it.
Those are the two possible options that I can offer to you. But these are just maybe’s. These are just possibilities. If you want a clear, clear, clear answer, you have to ask that guy. And don’t think that all guys are like that. Similarly, don’t think that all women are like that.
It’s not a healthy way to live in a society when you start to generalise things. Similarly with race. Don’t think “All Malays are like that”, “All Chinese are like that”, “All Westerners are like that”.
It’s not healthy. Really, it’s not healthy. How are we going to live together peacefully if you think like that?